JRoast Purim Spoof: JRoast editor to wed newly Jewish Matthew McConaughey

McConaughey, who completed a fast-track conversion to Judaism with the Matmar Hasidim in Bnei Brak, decided to move to Israel secretly in February.

By SEAR HAY RASHMAN
Updated: MARCH 25, 2016 20:30
Mcconaughey with his new flame (photo credit: JROAST STAFF)
Mcconaughey with his new flame
(photo credit: JROAST STAFF)
In a surprise announcement, local Jewish society girl and JRoast editor Derica Schachne will marry Hollywood heartthrob McConaughey in a modest wedding in Beit Shemesh next month.
McConaughey, who completed a fast-track conversion to Judaism with the Matmar Hasidim in Bnei Brak, decided to move to Israel secretly in February. While at a singles event he met our local Out Jerusalem editor. “The event was full of freaks, overweight men who babbled too much and nervous women,” recalls the blushing Derica. “Then I heard that famous southern drawl wafting through the air, and was surprised to see the star of Dallas Buyers Club sporting a black kippa and lovingly curled sidelocks.” McConaughey has vowed to leave behind his bad boy image and start a new life in the Holy City.
After completing his six months of mandatory military service he says he aspires to drive an Egged bus or work as a parking attendant: “From what I’ve heard those are good jobs in this country.” He will be living in a 70-square-meter overpriced apartment while he searches for work along with other olim.