I cannot believe that it is almost Oct. 7. Yet, in some ways, every day feels like Oct. 7, as time has stood still.
Last year, which also somehow seems a lifetime away, I sat in shul as we recited the “Unetaneh Tokef” piyut on Rosh Hashanah. Grateful that my loved ones were all well, I prayed fervently that the year ahead would be blessed for myself, my family, my loved ones, and my country.
Who would have suspected what the year ahead would be like?
A few weeks later, Simchat Torah night was amazing and left so many of us on a true spiritual high. The next morning, up at the crack of dawn, I went to the 6:30 synagogue service so I could fit in the hakafot and Yizkor and still be home well before noon. When the siren went off, most people assumed it was a false alarm. I knew otherwise very quickly. On call with United Hatzalah, I was the only one in synagogue who had their cellphone with them that morning.
The rest is, sadly, history. Professionally, I quickly became involved with so many aspects of our collective trauma: supervision of therapists dealing with young people who had been at Supernova; debriefing first responders exposed to serious trauma; working with families of fallen soldiers, reservists, families of evacuees and hostages, soldiers in regular service; running group sessions for adults and teens.
My own family members have been called up for more than 160 days in places we could never imagine.
Having worked in so many aspects of trauma and grief this past year, I realize that many mental health professionals are trying to hone innovative skills that have never been fully explored with these groups, during the most prolonged war we’ve ever experienced. How could they be? We’ve never had a day like Oct. 7 before.
The war has taken its toll on everyone. No one will ever be the same.
We were never trained for a prolonged traumatic experience like this, especially one following the years of our COVID-19 experience. No one could imagine the impact these back-to-back traumas would have on each and every one of us, from cradle to grave.
My grandchildren play a new game of “war.” They make pretend siren sounds and run to a pretend safe space and hide. Yet, people living outside Israel have no idea what we mean when we say that we would much rather live here, as this is our home.
AS I write this now, with red alerts blaring on my phone, as the war in the North has intensified, with just days to go before the holidays, I cannot help but once again reflect on our future.
We all know too well “where we have been.” The challenge now is to focus on “where do we go from here?”
Do we not all want the same thing – good physical and mental health, happiness for ourselves and our loved ones, peace and safety in this very tiny piece of land that we call home, love, and are perhaps willing to die for?
While we cannot change the past, we can do our best to work toward a better future. Hopefully, we each have our own personal list of what we’d like to work on. Here is mine.
Be the person you want to be. Listen and be supportive of others. We all want to feel needed, valued, and appreciated. Reach out and give of yourself in any way that you can.
Now more than ever, savor how you use your time. Don’t waste it on things that are unimportant. Make each day count. Life is precious, and time is of the essence.
Set realistic goals while being gentle with yourself. People tend to regret what they don’t do.
Tell your loved ones today and every day that you love them.
Appreciate your family. The holidays will definitely feel different this year. Don’t get into fights around the dinner table. Pick neutral conversation topics and perhaps do an activity that will bring everyone together.
Find a way to inject meaning into your life. Having purpose enables you to get up in the morning with a smile on your face when everything around you may feel tenuous. While no one feels like celebrating, you may find a way to commemorate the holidays in a distinct way.
Acknowledge you are juggling a lot at the moment, between family, work, health, and more. Don’t forget yourself in the process and don’t compare yourself to others. Try to prioritize while giving yourself even a small reminder of how well you attempt to balance your life. Your situation is yours alone, and you know what is best for you. Perfection is a myth.
Live in the present, in this moment. Let go of past issues. They weigh you down and prevent you from living today. Notice how words such as “can’t,” “never,” and “always” keep you stuck and prevent you from moving forward. Take a step back, making time to breathe and bring greater calm, while helping you stay focused.
Find a way to insert positivity into your life with everything you do and as often as you can. Lead a life of gratitude, stay connected with friends, volunteer, and appreciate nature’s beauty.
Focus on all of your resources because they – a person, place, or object – will sustain you, strengthen you, and help you cope during these very uncertain times. A walk on the beach, lunch with a friend, getting lost in a book, admiring flowers, and listening to music are more essential than you may think. They give you the opportunity to recharge when you feel you are running on empty.
Look out for your children so that they don’t get lost in this crazy world. Help them experience good and have fun by listening to what they say and validating their concerns. There are many ways to reinforce and build their spirits, and you might be surprised by how far bubbles, paper, and crayons can go in making them smile.
Love your neighbor. There is more that unites than divides us, and we can all find a way to capitalize on this. Don’t be deceived by people’s outer trappings – religious, secular, Right, Left, Ashkenazi, Sephardi. In coming together with a sense of deep caring and compassion, we will be stronger than our enemies. We deserve to live in this land, which will only be ours if we are able to treat it and one another with respect.
Acknowledge that during these difficult times, your reactions are normal in what is a very abnormal situation. In addition to the prolonged war where we have lacked clarity as to what we have accomplished, so many of us are wounded and bereaved, our hostages are not back, large parts of the country are evacuated and still being hit by missiles. Nonetheless, there have been and continue to be many miracles, and we must notice them. Never let fear, anger, or grief take over.
THERE IS much right now that is painful and that we do not understand. We have lost loved ones and our sense of security, and we cannot yet imagine our future.
We will get past this and grow together. We grieve for many things, but we also must be strong for each other. The sun will come up tomorrow. We must remind ourselves of that.
May this new year be a time of positive change and greater meaning in our own lives. May it bring peace, health, connection, and calm to us all as we remind ourselves of what is truly important in life.
The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana, specializing in trauma, grief, and bereavement. She is the author of Life’s Journey: Exploring Relationships – Resolving Conflicts and has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000. ludman@netvision.net.il, drbatyaludman.com