During these bizarre times, the thought of emotional or physical intimacy may be the last thing on your mind.That said, even if you find yourself constantly fighting or feeling distant from your loved one, being connected right now may be the very thing that you most need.
How do you make space for positivity and warmth in your relationship with all that is happening around you? Living under the threat of war certainly presents its own challenges that can impact even the best of relationships.
With all that is going on, your personal space may feel less safe, uncomfortable, and even violated. This, coupled with feeling depressed or anxious, distracted, or experiencing staleness, may lead you or your partner to withdraw from the relationship in order to establish a greater sense of calm and well-being.
Concentrating on so many other areas of your life may zap you of energy, leaving you feeling burnt out, disconnected, and with little interest in focusing on each other.
We are living in very difficult times, with children of all ages sharing our sleeping quarters, keeping an ear out for sirens, and running to shelters in the middle of the night, often in full dress. Whether you are an evacuee or are in your own home, you may find that you have difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or are waking up earlier than you would want.
If you are fortunate enough to be able to sleep, you may find it non-restorative, making it harder to focus and concentrate during the day and leaving you exhausted, short-tempered, and stressed. Coping with all that is entailed when loved ones are actively in reserves, or feeling distracted and withdrawn upon their return, all while preparing for yet a fourth call-up, is also exceedingly difficult.
Added to this are the concurrent challenges of employment, school, and other issues, as well as the lack of time spent together to establish any sense of normalcy. For others, struggling with helping the many thousands who have been wounded, or whose loved ones were brutally murdered, along with feeling for the plight of the evacuees and hostages adds immense sadness, anger, and pain. Each factor on its own can contribute to relationship difficulties.
With so much going on, it may be difficult to summon up the strength to be your own couple’s therapist. Nonetheless, there are many factors that can impact your relationship that you may be able to tweak and improve. So, for couples of all ages, the following questions can help you hone in on some of the issues that may be contributing to difficulties at the moment.
Can you arrange for a weekly date night or morning for an uninterrupted walk or a cup of coffee? Just the two of you for some face-to-face warm interaction and conversation without distraction? Even an hour or two will help you focus on being together.
Can you also try for a daily 20-minute chat and check-in with your partner when things quiet down a bit at the end of the day to see how your partner is doing? A simple, “How are you?” or “What would be helpful for you right now?” over a more relaxed cup of tea may let your loved one know that you are interested in connecting on some level.
IF YOU assess your own behavior, do you find yourself getting into bed long after your partner is asleep, or getting up and leaving the bedroom earlier than necessary? Could you suggest that you both try to go to bed at the same time?
If not, why?
Do you busy yourself when you really could be with your partner, or pick a fight just when your partner wants some alone time with you? If so, do you know why? What do you think could be helpful?
Can you try to look inward at your own feelings and behavior and at your partner’s without ascribing blame, but just noticing what might be going on? Often when people feel hurt or get angry with their partner, it is because they feel they are missing or need something they are not getting. Can you assess what it might be?
Without a doubt, your cellphone, television, computer, and other sources of constant news reports have most likely made it into your home, robbing you of time to be together, as well as potential calm. If at the very least you are on your phone the last thing at night, the first thing in the morning, or at meals, can you agree to make more technology-free time in order to disconnect from your phone and reconnect with each other?
As a couple, can you make an agreement to talk through your concerns, evaluate your stressors, explore your sleep issues, and help find ways to strengthen each other?
If you or your partner has experienced any noteworthy medical or physical changes in the past year that are disabling or of concern, have you seen your doctor and had things checked out?
If either of you is dealing with other emotional issues (and who isn’t right now?) and feels that it might be helpful to talk things through individually or together with a non-judgemental professional, have you considered making that call? You might even be able to speak with someone virtually if leaving the house is problematic.
Relationship goals
Remember, each person responds differently to stress, so making room to hear your loved one may not be at all easy when you both have so much on your mind. While you may need love and connection, the capacity of you and your partner to build this together will be affected by your sense of being overwhelmed, numbness, despair, exhaustion, stress, disorganization, and so much more.
How you carry and contain your feelings of loss with all that you are experiencing, as well as your concerns and uncertainty for the future, will impact how present and available you feel today.
Your primary goal now is to work toward strengthening communication and deepening your relationship. Focusing on the positive and what you can control, and feeling a deeper sense of connection, can help you get through this time and truly enable you to feel better.
The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana, specializing in trauma, grief, and bereavement. The author of Life’s Journey: Exploring Relationships – Resolving Conflicts, she has written about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000. ludman@netvision.net.il, drbatyaludman.com