Seeking your match in a post-COVID world

At Lisa Rubin’s first singles event, she bought clear masks so that people could see each other. It was a sign of the times for dating in the post-corona world, but Rubin sees it as her mission to match people in challenging times.

She spoke to In Jerusalem about her singles events, the latest of which is scheduled for Tu Be’av, the Jewish holiday of love.

Rubin and her husband, David, both immigrants from the US, have been living in Shiloh for almost 30 years. The Talmud describes Tu Be’av as a day of great joy on which the young maidens of Israel would dress in white and dance in the vineyards to be matched with young single men.

“To me it is very important to continue this tradition and strengthen families,” Rubin explained. “I am very connected to the historic sites here,” she said. Shiloh boasts archaeological remains of the biblical Mishkan, which was a center for Jewish prayer before the Temple was built. It was here that the story of Hannah, mother of the prophet Samuel, took place, and the barren Hannah’s tearful prayer for children has resonated deeply with Rubin.

Just like Hannah, Rubin says she sees the desperation in those who long to raise families. Especially since the COVID-19 pandemic broke out, social distancing and closed venues have resulted in much loneliness, she explained.

The world of singles was a new discovery after corona hit and her work in tourism dried up.

“There was a frustration for singles not being able to get out and socialize,” she said. That prompted her to organize a singles event in Shiloh, and more followed. As soon as the Health Ministry deemed it safe enough to hold gatherings, Rubin made it happen.

Outdoor trips were arranged in Tel Aviv, Hebron, Ayalon Canada Park, Gush Etzion and the Old City of Jerusalem. Rubin purposely make the events interactive such as tree-planting, walking tours or visiting a winery. The purpose is to engage people to smooth away the awkwardness.

She recalled one particular event in which a young man who had been a regular told her he just ended a relationship and did not feel like going. But she urged him not to give up on love and attend and in the end, he was appreciative.

One participant moved to Israel a year ago from New York and described the difficulty in meeting new people. She described the event this way: “I loved the workshops and the fun atmosphere between all the participants. I convinced two friends to come on the second trip and both of them enjoyed it very much. It gave me the opportunity to meet people I would normally not have met in a very comfortable setting.”

So what is Lisa’s success rate? By her count she has set up about 22 couples. The real question is, did they actually get married? But in this day and age, “just getting them together is an accomplishment,” Rubin said. “Don’t look at how many people you marry, just look at your accomplishments in making matches in the first place, and I pray for God’s help.

“Finding the right match is as hard as splitting the sea,” she added, quoting the Talmudic verse. “But when things are hard you have to work harder.”

Rubin relies on volunteers to help her with social media since she does not have a Facebook or Instagram page, only WhatsApp. 

“I’m from the old school and I try to call people too,” she explained. “It’s very important to pick up the phone and let someone know you care. All these [online] profiles and photos all start to sound alike, so there is nothing like meeting someone in person. I am continuously networking with matchmakers, mentors, volunteers and other organizations to try and collaborate.”

One recent event was an outdoor movie night featuring a screening of the locally produced Talking to God, at which the director, Jerusalem-based Maya Batash, spoke.

Another recent event was in the Old City of Jerusalem, and combined a tour of historic sites and a lecture from Chana Rachel Frumin, a marital and family counselor. Frumin helps people identify with their needs to help find their soulmate.

She spoke to In Jerusalem about her involvement with Rubin.

“Every human being has an incredible gift to offer the world,” she noted, “but the gift gets hijacked by false identity claims.” She warned against setting up unattainable expectations in one’s love life. “Some people think because they are not being who they think they should be, they are a failure. They think they are a bad person, and end up not giving their gift to the world.”

Frumin, who has been counseling for 45 years and is the author of For the Pleasure of Peace: Transformative Listening in Marriage & Relationships, elaborated, “People are coming with such big idealizations of whom they have to have as a match. They have such demands that it has to be a certain way and these demands are not working. You come into a relationship to see what it’s like to spend time with the other person.”

Frumin said that at her workshops she teaches about the pleasure that comes from peace in the relationships instead of making demands.

“It’s a different kind of love. It’s not based on magic or attraction. It’s based on having a ballpark idea that this person’s characteristics works with me,” Frumin related.

“Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch [the famous 19th century scholar] taught that we have to have people we open our hearts to and not just in marriage,” Frumin related.

“When someone says they need someone with a certain degree, certain career or certain looks, I disagree. It’s about understanding and communication and self-respect and respect for the other person,” Frumin said. “They share themselves. They certainly need to express what’s important and be understood and appreciated by the other person.”

Frumin often gives workshops abroad, specifically in Prague, where she maintains an office, but the COVID-19 restrictions have inhibited travel.

Frumin, married for 40 years, and with seven children, says she has used her own advice to keep her marriage healthy.

Rubin and her husband met through a matchmaker almost 30 years ago. As someone who grew up Orthodox in the Five Towns area of New York, she was initially not interested in meeting someone who was not from a similar background. But they met, fell in love and got married. Now their kids are at the age where they are looking for that special someone. One of those kids went through a life-threatening experience which has served as an inspiration for the Rubins to give back to the community.

In 2001, during the Second Intifada, David Rubin’s car was riddled with terrorist bullets. Both he and the Rubins’ three-year-old son were injured. The child was struck in the head and survived after multiple surgeries.

“He was officially the 1,000th victim of terror at the hospital,” Rubin said “It was a Hanukkah miracle.

“Ever since then we have been telling the story about the miracle. Unfortunately there were many attacks and many victims did not survive,” Rubin said. “But people should know about the miracle, about where we live, in the biblical heartland. I feel I am sharing my passion. There are so many wonderful people out there that would like to meet.”

The Tu Be’av Shabbat event will take place July 23-24 in Shiloh and is aimed at ages 25-35, followed by another Shabbat a few weeks later for ages 35-48. It will include a tour of the archaeological sites, a visit to a local winery, and picking blueberries and raspberries. A pre-Shabbat musical Kabbalat Shabbat service will take place at the site of the Mishkan. Participants will stay at the new guesthouse. There will be workshops with professionals in the dating and relationship field.