Dr. Miriam Adahan’s advice on create a soothing inner voice

The COVID-19 pandemic has created a great deal of emotional distress, with many people experiencing fear and uncertainty. Since we all need coping skills, I turned to the “Queen of Solutions,” Dr. Miriam Adahan to give us a few tips. A Jerusalem psychologist with more than 50 years of experience, she is a teacher and author of 20 self-help books and countless articles. With her warm sincerity and remarkably youthful passion for helping people, “Dr. Miriam” trains people to develop their E.Q. – their emotional intelligence – so that they can practice self-regulation whenever they experience stress. Her goal is to make us all Solution Champs (the name of her new book).

Before we enter into the exciting world of how we can become ‘Solution Champs,’ I understand it was actually you who coined the term “Emotional Intelligence” in the 1970s, and then it caught on. It’s exciting to be with the actual inventor! Today, if you Google it, you can find many variations on this theme, but YOUR definition as the originator is the ability to know your strengths and weakness, to define and honor your emotions and regulate them in order to function effectively, to empathize with others and communicate effectively. Why is this so important?

We all face endless irritations, losses, disappointments, frustrations, insults and accidents. Our initial response may be to react with despair, anxiety, anger or even violence. Our job is to respond with an inner voice of faith, courage and wisdom. Most of us have to create that voice, since we didn’t hear it as children.

What can we do with all this emotional distress?

We can think of the word e-motion as “E” - energy in motion! You want to use a feeling like loneliness or anxiety to take you some positive place, to access an inner soothing voice that will help you stay regulated and positive.

Can you give an example?

I remember reading a true story of a large Jewish family, including a four-year-old girl, who lived in a cave for two years, while hiding from the Nazis in Romania. The little girl wrote about her experiences during that time. It didn’t feel terribly traumatic, due to her mother’s love and faith. She remembers her mother dividing one apple between a whole group. Despite the distress, what she remembered was her mother singing to her and her soothing words of faith. This is something many of us do not have, the soothing comfort of a loving parent telling us that everything will be alright. We live with so much criticism from others and even from our own minds. In my opinion, toxic criticism kills more than coronavirus. It is the main source of anxiety and depression. Every painful event, such the coronavirus threat, intensifies the distress.

You have created a “Brain Dance,” which helps children deal with their emotions. It may seem like it’s for children, but I’ve seen in my own life that it works great for adults. Please explain it.

I can teach the basics in about three minutes! When I go out for a walk in the forest near my home and I spot a family taking a stroll, I often ask the parents if they would like to learn a quick trick to get the kids to cooperate. No one has ever refused! I explain to them that we all have two brains which are often at war with each other! I touch the back of my head and say, “This is where my BABY BRAIN is. It tells us, ‘Hit! Kick! Grab! Buy it! Eat it! Punch it!’ Kids always laugh, because I’ve just normalized a universal experience. Then, I touch the “tefillin spot” and say, “Here’s where my ADULT BRAIN is [in Hebrew, I use “boger”]. This part helps me find smart solutions. Now, I’ll show you how to activate AB - the adult brain - with the BRAIN DANCE!!”

I take four stones from the path and place them side by side. I ask the father to hold the child’s hands. The first stone is between them.

STEP #1: IDENTIFY THE TRIGGER (any irritation or temptation): The father asks the child, “What happened that got you upset?” The child replies, “He took my stuff. He cheated on the game, etc.“ Still holding hands, they jump to the second stone.

STEP #2: MIRROR, ACKNOWLEDGE, VALIDATE, EMPATHIZE AND NORMALIZE. The father asks the child, “What did your BABY BRAIN tell you to do in response to the irritation.” Usually, the child will say, “I hit him.” Or, “I grabbed it back.” I tell the father to validate the child’s feelings and impulses and empathize, “I understand. Yes. That’s how BABY BRAIN responds.” Then I tell the father to ask, “Are you ready to go up to your Genius Brain and find a better solution?” [Kids LOVE knowing they have a genius brain in there!) Holding hands, they jump to the 3rd stone.

STEP #3: BRAINSTORMING FOR SOLUTIONS! The father asks, “What does your adult brain tell you to do?” Asking questions activates the Pre-frontal cortex [PFC], which automatically looks for answers. The child might say, “I can ignore him. I can tell him to stop. I can offer to play with him.”

STEP #4: HUG! I tell the father to hug the child and say, “Great! You found a solution. I’m so proud of you!” Do this with a lot of exuberance. Really rub it in. Give a wow or a thumbs up. You want to get that “victory buzz” in your body! When a child can move from an impulsive place to hearing a loving voice of wisdom, that VICTORY MINDSET will make him a happier, healthier human being for a lifetime!

How does this help us in life?

It’s important to realize how powerful our “reptilian brain” or Baby Brain. It’s fully developed by 6 months in utero. I call it Baby Brain, because it’s hedonistic and impulsive and demands instant gratification. The Adult Brain, the Pre-Frontal Cortex, is the source of logic, self-control and goal setting. AB just begins to develop around age three [hence the kippa on a child’s head at that age]. It reaches full cellular development only between 20-25! This reassures people. It helps them understand why they can have such harmful impulses and why they get stuck in such painful emotions. Many people never develop their Adult Brain. They keep acting like big babies forever. For example, someone who constantly complains or explodes frequently has an undeveloped AB. When they’re in their Baby Brain, logic won’t work. They only care about their own needs. You cannot communicate. It’s really scary!

How can grown-ups use it to handle this crisis?

If the Baby Brain feels lonely, bored and antsy, the Adult Brain tells you to do something creative or constructive. Enter a Zoom class, dance to a YouTube exercise class, declutter, organize the home or learn something you’ve always wanted to learn. Now is the chance to play a musical instrument, learn a new language or write a book. Fear is a protective emotion, which tells us to avoid danger! It might get you to take adequate Vitamin B, C and D. Some people won’t do this. People who are chronically kvetchy, grouchy and angry will be abusive. They usually refuse to get out of their Baby Brain and go up to their Adult Brain. It’s a huge problem.

What helped you to develop these ideas?

I spent the first 30 years of my life in and out of hospitals and doctors’ offices, trying to get help for both physical and emotional distress. Therapists were not helpful. Doctors just gave me pills, which made me sicker. So, I had to develop my own healing modalities. For example, I cured colitis by avoiding sugar and keeping a strict food plan. I did the same with various emotional issues. Over the years, I developed management skills that helped me, so that’s what I teach others. Most of my books deal with emotional abuse because that was my main challenge.

You have lots of little sayings to remind us of what to do when we are stressed. One of these is “Don’t just vent – reinvent!” For every disorder, you need more order! “Can you please tell me more?

For every problem in life, you need a plan. If you have anxiety, you need to make a thought plan. If you have a food disorder, you need to stick to a food plan. If you have sleeping problems, you need to a sleep plan. Whatever your problem is, you need a different skill set.

Sounds like a lot of work!

People want a person or pill to make them healthy, but no pill can teach mental health skills. It takes work to develop an attitude of faith, self-discipline or gratitude! As a therapist, my main job is to repair the damage done by toxic criticism. There is a huge amount of unrecognized and unacknowledged abuse in homes, schools and institutions. Criticism destroys the ability to hear the inner voice of comfort that we need so much. However, if we didn’t hear it during childhood, we can create it. When we are upset, we need a wise, compassionate, soothing adult voice, like the mother in the cave. No matter what you are going through, you need to train yourself to hear a voice saying:

“Yes, this is distressing, but it’s not dangerous.”

“You have phenomenal coping skills. You’ll get through this.

“You make great decisions.”

“I’m here to support you. I love you no matter what.”

AS I interview Dr. Miriam, long-standing painful feelings arise, and I am reminded of certain events in my life. Suddenly, I realize there exists a way to resolve them! I’ll give an example.

Many years ago when I had my first real job as a computer software analyst at a university, I was a bit insecure about my work. Someone intentionally tried to embarrass and humiliate me in front of others for his own amusement. He wanted me to feel stupid, and I let it happen! That horrible feeling stayed with me every time something reminded me of this incident. So, I decide to apply some of the suggestions Dr. Miriam had just taught me. I soothed the voice in my BABY BRAIN that tells me I am stupid and incompetent and should remain embarrassed and humiliated. After recalling the painful feelings, I moved into my rational ADULT BRAIN by asking questions; “Do I NEED to punish myself for a cruelty which someone did to me? NO! Isn’t THAT person the one who should be ashamed of what he did? Why should the victim suffer! Why empower a bully and make myself feel bad after so many years? I don’t want to suffer any more by holding on to the delusion that the bully was superior.

Therefore, I tried soothing that childlike voice inside myself by acknowledging the pain and being proud that I am the type of person who would never hurt someone this way. My new “motion” from this Emotion is to ignore these emotional bullies. They are not worth my attention nor recognition. I still had some residual feelings of sadness, but I repeated the calming phrases to myself until I began to feel good. THIS is my victory! I tell Miriam about it. “Yes!” she says. “You have achieved Solution Champ status! Kol Hakavod! (Well done!)”

Most people today just want a pill to take away their ills. Will people actually do this?

Health requires discipline! To heal the pain of trauma and abuse, we need lots of skills. I teach EFT [Emotional Freedom Technique] and other calming tactics. The key to going from BB (Baby Brain) to AB (Adult Brain) is to repeat “THANK YOU!” You don’t even have to say it sincerely. Just repeat it. I trained myself many years ago to keep repeating, “Thank you” whenever I was upset. When my kids were small, I was determined to avoid the “traditional” methods - hitting, screaming and punishing. If they misbehaved, I repeated my mantra, “Thank you for giving me another opportunity to work on my middos [character strengths].” The words THANK YOU gets us into “solution mode.” I’ve used it for illnesses, accidents and all kids of difficulties and disappointments in life.

Too bad this isn’t taught to kids in school!

(Sigh!) If parents and teachers practiced this, there would be less violence, addictions and mental illness.

You have written a new book on Emotional Intelligence written for children in comic book style, titled CBT for kids – Solution Champs. You recommend training your children from age three!

I start early because little kids actually catch on faster than adults! To them, it’s obvious that we all have a whiny BABY BRAIN and an ADULT BRAIN. It’s our job to help them develop AB so that they can learn to be responsible, considerate and civilized. After all, they will be bullied, will feel jealous and enraged and will experience endless failures and frustrations. When kids learn these skills, they are less at risk of developing mental disturbances and addictive behaviors. This develops strong bonds of love and respect between parents and kids.

Can you give us a typical “corona lockdown scenario” and how you would deal with it?

Let’s say someone irritates you. First, be aware. Ask, “Ayeka?” Where am I? Do I want to respond from my Baby Brain and yell and insult the person or do I want to seek a mature solution?” Train yourself to be aware of which part is reacting at the moment. I provide lots of tactics to help them move up to the pre-frontal cortex. the “ADULT BRAIN,” including E.F.T. (Emotional Freedom Technique) and meditative breathing.

Why do you think it is so beneficial for children and us big people to be aware of this?

Children actually hate feeling out of control – and are terrified when adults lose it. It’s scary and shame-provoking. Unless they are in a crisis, they are glad to get up to adult/genius brain. Until then, the parent can hug and provide empathy. Once calm has been restored with one of my many calming tactics, they can discuss how to handle this problem in a mature manner. Self-control is the basis of self-esteem.

Can we also go through another scenario people are experiencing today like anxiety? Let’s say Chana, age 60, has side-effects of corona lockdown. She needs to go into Jerusalem from Gush Etzion and finds herself feeling very anxious about leaving the house. She really wants to accomplish a few errands there, even buy cherries at the shuk, but frankly, she feels very just anxious and scared about being exposed some place, and she just got used to staying home all the time. What can she do about this?

Whether it’s Chana or you, the reader, start training your brain with my 39 SANITY SAVERS. That will help empower your Pre-Frontal Cortex – your Adult Brain. Then, do the four steps. STEP 1: Notice the emotion. STEP 2: EMPATHIZE, VALIDATE AND NORMALIZE. Embrace that scared part of yourself. Lots of people have more anxiety now. Accept it. Never shame yourself for your feelings. Feelings are not in our direct control. But thoughts are choices. Go to STEP 3: Put your attention on your breath. Notice how many seconds you inhale. Then exhale twice as long. Do this a few times to slow your mind. Now you can think about solutions. For example, “I’ll drive instead of taking the bus or take a taxi. I won’t go to every place on my list. I’ll limit the amount of time I’m out. I can ask a friend to go with me.” When you find a solution, go to STEP #4: Give yourself a big Yasher Koach! (Pat on the back) You did it! Your “adult brain” actually got stronger. You, too, can be the Queen of Solutions!”