Hold on to your hats – and combat helmets – all you jihad-lovers and rabid supporters of Hamas! I have an explosive mind- – and body- – blowing announcement to make: Woke Airlines has decided to inaugurate flights from all over the world to Gaza!
Yes, you heard me right: This is your opportunity to finally put your money where your mouth is and show your solidarity with your Palestinian “brothers,” up close and personal.
Why march up and down the streets of the world shouting inane slogans and hurling useless curses at passersby when you can actually go to Gaza and meet your intrepid heroes? And if you are lucky, you may even get to hug a terrorist and hold one of his grenades!
You will be flown (cattle class) to Gaza, stopping en route to pick up a few fellow travelers from Boko Haram, al-Qaeda, and the Taliban. The cheerful male stewards (no stewardesses allowed, of course) will assist in strapping you into your seats, as well as handcuffing you as an added safety precaution. This also helps to prevent bothersome people from rudely standing in the aisles throughout the flight and loudly fraternizing with other passengers – this isn’t an El Al flight, you know.
You will have to bring your own food, much of which will be confiscated by the staff (hint: the locals like Bomb-a). The cost for the flight is $5,000 one way (there’s a good chance you won’t need a return flight, so why waste the money on a return ticket?), which will include a much-appreciated donation to the cause you so dearly claim to espouse.As the airline itemizes: A special welcome goes out to our Frequent Foolish Followers on this virgin (no, not Virgin!) Gaza flight; we offer special recognition to anyone bringing a Lady Sinwar Birkin designer purse with them (no knock-offs please, or you will be knocked off!). These will be given as gifts to our courageous female terrorists; they go smartly with a Kalashnikov and army boots. As a special honor, you will be escorted upon landing by the RPG, the lovable Royal Palestinian Guards, also humorously known as the Jovial Genociders.
You will – hopefully – finally land in Con Unis; the spelling has been adapted to reflect how proud we are at having conned you suckers into supporting the very criminals who ultimately will kill you. You will be stripped naked – even the men – and given authentic long, ugly robes that you must wear, upon pain of death, in deference to our sacred dress code. There will also be obligatory head coverings for our Women of Squalor, who find it relaxing to leave just one eyebrow showing in 95-degree heat, as our enlightened culture demands.
Guests will then be divided by our airport personnel into separate groups. All gays will be herded into special quarters, where they can await our bimonthly hanging ceremony (this is a sacred ritual). Women will have their own separate housing, of course; they will await the other bimonthly event, our much-beloved FSM, Female Slave Market (another sacred event), where lucky ladies from age 10 and up may win the chance to serve a terrorist until their death – the woman’s, that is, not the terrorist’s.
Anyone who objects to these holy rituals and stands up in the victim’s defense will be honored with a 21-gun salute; but it’s doubtful they’ll be around for the last shots.
Don’t think there is nothing to do in Gaza
For the sports-minded among you, we have our own specially designed obstacle courses, which provide you with the fun challenge of deftly running through bombed-out streets as you dodge craters, falling buildings, and unexploded ordnance. For the more cerebral – especially our brilliant university students, whom we so appreciate – we offer various courses you might have somehow missed in your current curriculum.
There is Extreme Engineering: Constructing new generations of tunnels that will allow brave Gazans to live throughout the year in dark, dank underground caves that never see the light of day. Here, while enjoying the cool atmosphere – it’s our innovative form of A/C – you will hone your survival skills. And, for you history buffs, learn firsthand what the Stone Age was actually like.
Speaking of history, while in the tunnels, our Professors of Propaganda will re-educate you in the fascinating and creative history of Palestine, which began either 100 or 3,000 years ago – that is a matter of great intellectual dispute – and includes such prominent members as Abraham, Jesus, and the Tooth Fairy.
We also will have a lecture series called Glorious Geography. Since most students have no clue whatsoever as to where Palestine is located on a map, you will not only be taught its present location but also be shown a future map of the world, with Gaza at the center and Islamic fundamentalist states surrounding it in every direction, from Australia to Zanzibar. Just think: You will have the privilege to visit the cradle of a new civilization of Man (as in Man, not Woman) that will change the world – if it survives.
There is a math seminar as well. You can calculate the amount of money Gaza’s heroic fighters will receive this century due to the ingenious Pay-for-Slay policy and the tens of billions of dollars heaped upon us, past and future, by the generously gullible useful idiots of the West. It has been quite rewarding, to say the least.
For the technically adept, you will be privileged to test the latest shipment of cellphones, walkie-talkies, headphones, toasters, and electric toothbrushes. Sounds boring, but it can be a real blast. Visitors will also be required, in their spare seconds, to read and memorize the official List of Palestinian Nobel Prize Winners and pay homage to our glorious leaders, whoever is still alive at that time.
All in all, this is the event you have been clamoring for, isn’t it? So be sure you don’t miss it; it’s definitely to die for.
The writer is director of the Jewish Outreach Center of Ra’anana. rabbistewart@gmail.com