My name is Ariella and I am a control freak

By ARIELLA SIEGEL
Updated: JULY 6, 2015 11:27
I've always considered myself to be a fairly laid-back, easy-going, go-with-the-flow kind of lady. Unless I have a strong opinion about something, I don’t so much care where/when/how. I have a (somewhat) regular meditation practice, I do yoga, and I’m pretty aware of myself, all which, one would think, leads to a more relaxed vibe and existence. While that is certainly what I project and strive to be for myself, I’ve recently (re) discovered how much of a control freak I really am.
As a child, I suffered from undiagnosed ADD, depression and anxiety. I was constantly getting in trouble in class for writing notes or telling jokes or talking. I mean constantly. I would forget things, mismanage things, do the wrong assignment, only finish half a task, or get the date wrong for a meeting. My brain was constantly anxious, struggling to remember things (these were the days before smartphones and iCalendars), get things done, do things correctly, try really hard not to get yelled at by an adult for messing something up.
I figured out a lot of really good coping mechanisms and I am proud to say today that I am a fully functioning adult (usually). However, I’ve realized that a lot of my past struggles have manifested in different ways today, especially since living in Israel. “Nir’eh” is a Hebrew word, meaning “We’ll see”. Do you want to hang out next week? Nir’eh. When do you want to go on another date? Nir’eh. Do you think we need these papers for the office? Nir’eh. I don’t believe there’s anything that drives me as crazy as this word. Because I’ve spent so much of my life not trusting myself and creating systems to help me structure my life in a manageable way, if it’s not in my calendar, it literally does not exist. The (sometimes) laid-back nature of Israeli society has shown me how uptight I can be. Israelis can be very relaxed , spontaneous and last minute. This is hard for me because I don’t want to “nir’eh” anything. I need to KNOW. It needs to be IN MY CALENDAR. I have to somehow remember to keep it IN MY BRAIN. Because if not, it disappears, ceases to exist, or floats around my brain, demanding to be RESOLVED.
And I’m learning that that’s ok. That maybe some things aren’t meant to happen. That if he wants to see me, he’ll make a plan, and if he doesn’t, he won’t. If she wants to hang out next week, she’ll give me a time and date, or it won’t happen. And that’s OK. I’m learning to unclench a little, release, stop my brain from trying to predict and figure out so that I don’t make a mistake. Dealing with American and Israeli government agencies while traveling and moving countries has been an extreme challenge to this part of myself. And after a lot of craziness, I’ve just decided I’m going to love every part of myself, be compassionate, and LET THE F GO! Everything will work out and if it doesn’t, I will deal with it. The little girl afraid of messing up is now being led by the hand of my higher self, walking in peace and trust and in total flow.
May you all find your systems that work, your people to support you, and may you let go, let god, and just be in flow.