In a dozen years as a professional dating coach for Jewish women, Devorah Kigel of Passaic, New Jersey, lays claim to having helped more than 260 single women tie the knot with their own Mr. Right – or as she prefers to call him, Mr. Perfect-For-You.
Marry a Mensch is a folksy practical guide based on her experience, both personal and professional.
“I’ve made all the mistakes. I’ve allowed my heart to lead me blindly and been totally let down! But I’ve also tried to ignore my feelings and just follow my head, and that didn’t work either,” the happily married mother of four confides to readers. “That’s why I tell my clients that you have to lead with your head and bring your heart and hormones along after! As it turns out, this is the perfect middle ground – the best way to find a guy you love who also makes sense for you.”
Though Kigel is now Orthodox, she explains that her path to observance originated with her exposure to Orthodox dating norms in New York City after earning a master’s degree in Paris.
“I discovered, for instance, that instead of dating for fun and realizing six months (or six years) later that you’re incompatible, Orthodox Jews first determine compatibility and only afterward start investing emotionally. I learned that taking the physical off the table enables you to evaluate a date without your brain being clouded. I remember this hitting me like a ton of bricks – this way of dating is genius!”
Her book strives to apply these principles to Jewish women of any religious orientation. “I decided to become a dating coach in 2012 to help other women avoid the mistakes I made [and] to help you navigate your dating journey in a smarter, easier way and hopefully find your husband with clarity and calm.”
A dating coach is not, she emphasizes, a matchmaker. She doesn’t help women find husbands but rather teaches them how to make the most of the dating process.
The cornerstone of her methodology is asking the single woman to craft a “deal-breaker list” of approximately 10 things, perhaps five negatives and five positives, that are non-negotiable in her search for a spouse. Negatives might include, for example, smoking or dishonesty. Positives might include a sense of humor and a particular Jewish outlook. Items can’t be nebulous, like “nice,” and can never include physical attributes.
“You can’t decide in advance that you will never be attracted to a guy who is dark, light, tall, short, blue-eyed, brown-eyed, whatever!.… I always say, we want to leave God open to His magic – sometimes He puts your bashert [destined one] into a package you wouldn’t have envisioned.... So don’t get hung up on externals.”
I found myself nodding in agreement with this insight. One of my college friends once swore she’d never marry a balding or divorced man. Guess what? Mr. Perfect-For-Her turned out to be balding and divorced. They recently celebrated their 40th anniversary.
Kigel advises that in addition to meeting every bullet point on the deal-breaker list, a potentially proper husband will be a man who shows solid evidence of being giving, good-hearted, growth-oriented, grateful, and willing to take and implement relationship advice from a mentor such as a rabbi, therapist, dating coach, older family member, or a married friend.
Kigel also encourages women to look inward and improve themselves in preparation for marriage. She suggests “others-centered” activities to promote empathy; cultivating greater self-esteem, if necessary with the aid of a therapist; staying optimistic; and not putting life on pause while going through the dating process.
“Learn a new language, take cooking classes, travel, hang out with girlfriends, go to a Torah class, go to Israel – there are so many things you could do for yourself and your personal growth that you will not be able to do once you’re married with kids,” and you’ll find that “when you do go on a date, you’ll have much more to share; you’ll be so much more interesting, lively, and happy because you’re filling yourself up instead of pressing pause.”
Above all, she writes, be aware that the foundation of a good marriage is not romance but friendship and mutual trust. Therefore, she discourages movie dates or other activities that don’t allow for conversation and observation of how the potential husband interacts with others. If friendship doesn’t flower, it’s best to part ways even if there’s “chemistry.” Sustained physical attraction, she assures her readers, can take time to develop and often grows out of friendship.
This easy-to-read, slim volume is filled with practical, tried-and-true advice (e.g., how to get a date and how to date long distance); a dozen dating don’ts (e.g., being drawn to “bad boys” or confusing bad habits with bad character), as well as relatable case histories.
A quick Google search doesn’t reveal an equivalent book out there for single Jewish marriage-minded men except in the Orthodox milieu. Maybe it’s time.
- MARRY A MENSCH: TIMELESS JEWISH WISDOM FOR TODAY’S SINGLE WOMAN
- By Devorah Kigel
- Gefen Publishing House
- 146 pages; $16.95