On Sunday evening, the holiest day of the year, Yom Kippur, will begin, concluding the following evening. This day is unique in that it is obligatory to refrain from eating and drinking, and the custom is to spend the entire day, as much as possible, in the synagogue, praying with the congregation. Many Jews who do not frequent the synagogue throughout the year see it as both a duty and a privilege to attend on Yom Kippur and participate in the day’s prayers.
What is the uniqueness of Yom Kippur? Let’s put it simply: It is the day on which we cleanse ourselves of the sins accumulated over the past year and open a new, clean page for the coming year. The Torah says of Yom Kippur: “For on this day, atonement shall be made for you to cleanse you; from all your sins before the Lord, you shall be cleansed.” In other words, on this day, God purifies us from our negative actions.
However, there are deeds for which God does not grant forgiveness even on Yom Kippur. Our sages taught, “For sins between a person and God, Yom Kippur atones; but for sins between a person and another person, Yom Kippur does not atone until one appeases the other.”
Getting forgiveness on Yom Kippur
A person cannot harm someone else and expect God to forgive him or her. Forgiveness must be sought from the person who was harmed, and to do so, you must reconcile with that person. Hence, the important custom of reconciling with others in the days leading up to Yom Kippur and forgiving those who have wronged you throughout the year.
Except for serious offenses and injuries, most of the time the person causing the harm is not a bad person. In many cases, people are acting out of fear, worry, or thoughtlessness. Often, they regret their actions and do not know how to make amends. On the other hand, people who have been harmed carry a heavy burden of anger and resentment and cannot free themselves from the humiliation or damage they have suffered. When the offender seeks forgiveness from the injured party and the injured party forgives, both sides benefit.
The offender is relieved of guilt, and the injured party is liberated from the burden of the offense.
Renowned American-Jewish psychologist John Gottman had an interesting perspective on relationship harm. According to him, there are no couples who don’t offend each other from time to time. The difference between successful couples and those with troubled relationships is that happy couples know how to repair the damage done to their relationship, while troubled couples perpetuate the harm over time.
In practice, the vidui (confession) we recite on Yom Kippur and the forgiveness we seek from God, work in the same way. Instead of starting the new year burdened with the guilt of our past actions, we are given a precious opportunity to turn to a new, clean page. Of course, as in seeking forgiveness from people, this requires a real change in our actions. Those who continue to harm others will not merit God’s forgiveness. However, when we sincerely intend to change our ways, set realistic goals for ourselves, and cultivate our positive habits, we earn God’s forgiveness.
Another connection exists between the two types of requests for forgiveness. In the Babylonian Talmud, it is said, “One who forgives others for their shortcomings, they forgive him for all of his sins.”
People who can forgive those who have wronged them demonstrate a noble and humble soul. In doing so, they receive the appropriate treatment from God, even if they have committed negative actions. God acts according to the principle of measure for measure and forgives them for their past mistakes.
May we all merit a good, clean, and pure year filled with love, unity, peace, and respect between people and between man and God. ■
The writer is rabbi of the Western Wall and Holy Sites.