The aroma of roasting eggplants complements that of the sizzling steaks. An Israeli barbecue. The good-hearted citizens of Israel and volunteers from abroad have been grilling for our soldiers all over the country. This always brings to mind the olfactory side of our ancient Temples.
But today, trace the aroma to the balcony of the newly opened Gandel Rehabilitation Center at Hadassah Mount Scopus. Nutritious food emerges from the hospital kitchen, but inveterate barbecue enthusiasts have brought grill equipment and are supplementing the dietician-approved meals for the recuperating soldiers. I’m wondering if this is what the soldiers want to eat while they’re working so hard in rehab.
What do the soldiers returning from the battlefield want?
A number of popular humorous posts offer advice to our soldiers before they return home. Among the reminders: Don’t go to sleep with your shoes on. Don’t call your spouse “ahi” (my brother), the affectionate term for comrades. And don’t expect chicken skewers for dinner while your spouse expects you to empty the garbage and the dishwasher.
Humor aside, the transition from perilous warfare only an hour or two from their homes and a return to civilian life for a few days and then back again to the battlefront has many challenges, probably unprecedented in Israel and other armies.
For example, an ER nurse who was called up on October 7 and then served as a combat nurse in Gaza asked his head nurse to supervise a procedure he’d done many times because “his body is in Israel, but his mind is in Gaza.” He feels the same way at home when he’s playing on the floor with his little children.
MOBILIZED SOLDIER Ari Wruble and his wife, Shir, an army mental health reservist who wasn’t called up because they have three small children, wondered why no one was asking soldiers what they wanted. What would improve these unique short furloughs for them? In their civilian lives, Shir is a social worker for a health fund, and Ari is a strategic consultant. He conducted a survey of more than 40 fellow soldiers – men, and women – on what would work best when they returned home from the battlefront.
Said Ari: “I set out to do my own modest research by interviewing soldiers from the field. Full disclosure: I’m not involved in a therapeutic field, so what I found isn’t in-depth research, simply the result of asking open questions from fighters in the Gaza Strip. Sorry, it’s not humorous.”
Among the Wruble Survey conclusions: “Right back from the field, it takes a day or two to reset. At first, you feel like a guest in your own home. You want to help. You know your family has gone through a scared and tense time, but you have to recognize that you’re on edge, and daily decisions and squabbles between your kids feel irrelevant.
“You might hear yourself yelling because the adrenaline hasn’t died down yet. You also feel as if everyone is watching you to see if you are okay after battle experience,” he says.
Soldiers don’t like being questioned about “if they’re okay or if they’re thinking of the war,” say the survey respondents.
“Please don’t ask for too many details. Please don’t try to ‘fix’ us, treating us as suffering poor souls, because we don’t see ourselves that way. If we are acting a little strange, don’t jump to conclusions about our mental health. Of course, extreme behavior requires intervention.
“We want to return, as much as possible, to a normal routine and to be in the here and now and less in what was or will be. We want to make it easier for our spouse and children because we know how hard our service is on them. So please stop urging us to rest.”
A COMMON problem reported by the soldiers is how to divide the short time at home among family and friends. “This was more of an issue for unmarried soldiers, whose girlfriend or boyfriend might be less used to sharing than someone in a big family. Also, a soldier might rightfully need some private time after living in an intense group setting.”
Ari and Shir talk about their expectations and priorities for each short visit home so there is less friction.
A tip that worked for some of the surveyed soldiers was to prioritize doing something fun and a little different together because you don’t have time to catch up on all civilian responsibilities anyway and are just frustrated.
Opinions among the interviewed soldiers varied most on how much of their war experiences to share with their partner and family at home. “One of the responses came from a psychologist who thinks it’s important for soldiers to share traumatic experiences in a caring environment. This also allows their partner or family to understand what they are going through. However, a number of respondents thought that talking about the dangers and tough decisions they faced at the battlefront would make it harder for them to return to military service.
“Knowing that their loved ones are even more worried stresses them out and preoccupies them often more than the risks they face fighting.”
Ari says that when his unit entered Gaza, a number of his fellow soldiers hid that from their families. Not him.
“I told my wife that we were going in, but said we weren’t the front line, which was true. I thought to myself that if I were, God forbid, to be killed, I didn’t want the last thing I told Shir to have been a lie.”
The worst way to start a conversation, said the soldiers, was “This may be the last time we meet.” The worst questions? “When are you getting out? “Why are you going back to fighting?” “Haven’t you done enough?”
“We don’t know the answers, and we can’t change the reality of army life,” says Ari.
Over-pampering can also be a problem. At a family meal, Ari was told that he certainly shouldn’t do the dishes or even dare clear his own plate “because he’s doing so much.”
He waved away the objections and put on his apron. At the kitchen sink, his roughened hands filled with soap suds as he washed the plates and bowls of his loved ones. It was a small act of love that he feels good about now, after he’s returned to the army.
May God keep him and all the others safe.
The writer is the Israel director of public relations at Hadassah, the Women’s Zionist Organization of America. Her latest book is A Daughter of Many Mothers.