As the Olympic Games in Paris are set to open, I have been asked by Beitar Yerushalayim, Hapoel Tel Aviv, and Maccabi Haifa for some highly needed rabbinic advice on how to win the Olympic soccer games.
Not only I am a rabbi, I am also Dutch, and I was an old friend of the most famous international Dutch soccer player, Johan Cruyff (1947-2016). So, let it be clear: I know what I am talking about.
Let’s be honest. Everyone knows that we Jews run the world. We dominate the White House, control the financial world, and have the brightest minds. Nobel Prizes abound. Our country is larger than China, and we occupy more foreign territory than any other nation. We also have unbeatable soldiers and are, by far, the most irritating people in the world. With such a reputation, everybody knows that for us to win the Olympic Cup in Paris is child’s play.
So, why is it that we Jews did not even win the European Cup a few weeks ago? What is wrong with us?
We appear on the front pages of every respectable newspaper, and millions of people around the world are up in arms because of us. The Guinness Book of World Records reveals, year after year, that we are the recipients of the world’s highest number of condemnations in the United Nations. So we are, by far, the most widely discussed country in the world.
But when it comes to the Olympic Games, not a word! As if we do not exist. It is downright antisemitic.
So, what is the problem? The problem is that we Jews do not understand the inner world of a football. We think it is a ball like all other balls. Wrong. Every Jew should know that one has to understand the personal feelings of the ball and its ups and downs. Just as we Jews have a neshama (soul), so has the ball. Consequently, it is important to be in a relationship with a ball. Like a shidduch, a romance.
A real Jewish football player knows where the leather wants to go. One does not just run after a ball. One identifies with the ball and gets into its kishkes (guts). True, you can’t learn this; it is in the Jewish gene. It is mysterious and beyond description.
The player must not want to blow his own horn. He must be preoccupied with only one thought: “I am nothing, the ball is everything. I have to fade out in the presence of the ball. I have to be the ball.” That way, the goal is suspended in the air, ready to be plucked. It’s as simple as that.
When I played with Johan Cruyff years ago on the Dutch Ajax team, we would stand exactly in the spot where we knew the ball would come in a few minutes. True, the ball was not there yet. Perhaps it was not even on its way. No problem. It would get there. Just have patience.
I remember how Cruyff and I would stand in the middle of the field while the others would be chasing the ball. The fans in the stadium went crazy and started cursing us. But we would just laugh, order coffee, read the paper, and recite some psalms.
Cruyff would stand with his head bowed as if listening to something. Indeed he was. He was listening to the movements of the ball – its groans, its pleas. Then he would draw himself up to his full height and say to me, “Cardozo, in 18 minutes the ball will be here.” And so it was. Yes, I stood offside and the goal did not count, but that is of little importance. What mattered was the gesture.
That is what we Jews call soccer. It is not footwork, but rather brainwork: It is seichel and neshama work. But some people still believe it has everything to do with footwork, the buildup of the torso, and the anatomy of the hip. Nebbich. Nothing will help them win the Olympic Cup until they grasp the truth.
But there is something else. Our boys have to be much better prepared. They must study the grass type on the soccer field. And ask, “In what language are the people in the stadium shouting?”
Israeli grass, for example, is different from the grass in Paris. The French stalk has 15% higher glucose than the Israeli one, while its granules grow in the opposite direction from the way they grow in Jerusalem. This is because Jews speak their language from right to left. Over the course of hundreds of years, the shouting of Hebrew in the stadium caused a genetic mutation, making the grass grow against the common order of things.
Why is this important? Because when you want to kick the ball to the next soccer player, you need to know whether the grass is your enemy or your friend. Does it accommodate the ball or frustrate it? It is all about friction and pressure. And we Jews know what these are. Our entire history has been one of constant friction – with the world and with ourselves. They have kicked us around, left and right. But we have become immune and have outlived all our enemies. So some people think that the ball, too, is immune. But it is not. It is sensitive to the core and just wants to score.
JEWS MAY think these are trivialities that do not matter at all. Wrong again. And that is where we, the rabbis, come in. Our advice is indispensable. We rabbis have studied the Talmud, and we know that trivialities are the stuff the world is made of. We have contemplated and debated every detail of human existence, just as scientists dedicate their lives to studying the habits of insects or the properties of a plant.
To them, every trifle is significant. They diligently inquire into the most intricate qualities of things because God is in the details. And so it is with us, the rabbis. Therefore, we are immortal and unbeatable and know exactly what soccer is all about.
So what needs to be done to ensure that next time, we Jews win the Olympic World Cup?
The first thing we should do is to send a group of Israeli scientists – botanists, geologists, and meteorologists – to wherever the Games are to take place. They should test the ground and look into seed time, growing power, root substances, and above all, the pigment of the chlorophyll pellets.
Secondly, we should examine the air quality and the various types of wind. Is there an upbeat wind or downbeat air? It is crucial to put all these winds and air substances in special wind sacks and send them for analysis to the Meteorological Center in Beit Dagan, located near Rishon Lezion.
After all, these could have detrimental consequences for the left wingback and for the way the fellow who stands offside deals with his breathing technique.
With a keen understanding of all the above, we Jews will be able to win every Olympic World Cup.
True, the UN will object, claiming that we did not play fair, that we occupied the ball and denied it its freedom. But we will hold our heads high and proudly declare that the fault lies entirely with the fact that we did not listen to our rabbis.
Am Yisrael chai!■
Partially inspired by Dutch author Godfried Bomans, 1913-1971.
The writer is the author of many books, such as the bestseller Jewish Law as Rebellion. Find his weekly essays at cardozoacademy.org/