With Shabbat being Tu Be’av, I found myself pondering this question from a Psychology Today article: Is serendipity the answer to falling in love?
After interviewing more than 175 couples, I conclude that it’s one possible answer. I base my conclusion on the following definitions of serendipity: when you find good things without looking for them, or when you find valuable things unintentionally.
In each definition, there is an active verb – finding. In an article for The Jerusalem Post titled “The Miracle of Marriage,” Rabbi Shlomo Riskin wrote, “I had a cousin who hardly ever left the house, claiming she was patiently waiting for her bashert (destined one). My wise grandmother admonished her, ‘If he is like you, you will never even meet each other, so how can you possibly get married?’”
It’s clear that Rabbi Riskin wrote his article before the emergence of dating apps. Still, then as now, in order to “find” one must “look” and “be seen.”
Shabbat we celebrate Tu Be’av (the 15th of Av), often referred to as the Jewish Valentine’s Day, and we remember the Second Temple period when the daughters of Jerusalem dressed in white and went out to dance in the vineyards to be seen by eligible young men.
In his book Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life & The Life That You Love, David Steele discusses four levels of “attraction venues.” Level one are public places with a great diversity of people; level two, generic singles settings; level three, settings where you share a strong interest with everyone there; and level four, settings in which you share central values and goals. The message here seems obvious: Love is everywhere!
On these pages we focus on couples – engaged or married – who describe where they met and when. There were no family members or friends involved, no matchmakers, no Internet. They were simply going about their business, working and volunteering, traveling on planes and buses, skiing and hiking, on Broadway and in Nepal, in synagogues and at universities. In other words, they were all just “out there.”
I spoke with one woman who met her husband-to-be at a post office in Jerusalem. Was that a coincidence? Bashert? Elie Wiesel would say, “In Jewish history there are no coincidences.” And Rabbi Benjamin Blech, a professor at Yeshiva University, maintains, “Coincidence is but God’s way of choosing to remain anonymous.”
At the Oprah Daily website, there’s a 2019 article “Where to meet single men in real life, no online dating apps required.” Their last tip: “The next time you spot someone who catches your fancy, try this crazy idea: Make eye contact and smile!”
It worked for Aliza at a Purim party in 2019.
The writer is a chronicler of Jewish love and matrimony who researches the question: How do Jewish couples meet and marry?